Dear Sir,

I am afraid to inform you that your soft-sided briefcase is a purse. I personally do not care if you carry a purse, but I was sure when I saw you on the train this morning that you did not realize the mistake you had made. You should go and complain to the person who sold that to you.

Sincerely,
Perfectly okay with transvestites
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Dear Sir,

Your sneakers match your messenger bag exactly. The green and orange combo of your shoes looks as though it came from the same dye batch as that of your bag. Applause to your bold coordination.

Sincerely,
But does his carpet match his drapes?


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Dear Sir,

Please don't chew gum anymore.

Sincerely,
Seriously. Stop.